Hello again, blog! It has been so long since I posted I had a hard time remembering my password. (yikes!) I have thought about posting many times over the past couple of months, but haven’t because I have felt like all my thoughts and emotions were stuck on repeat. Anything I might have written or talked about would just have been a recycled version of things I have written before.
Having said that, God has recently been revealing some things to me. Sometimes by his silence as much as by his speaking. His silence (previous post) and my reaction to it has brought out how self-centered my relationship with him is. As long as I am feeling ok about my life and what I can see him doing, my “faith” is fine. But when things begin to get tough or not make sense I fall apart. I have come to realize that what I call “faith” is not really faith at all. It is just a series of ideas about God and the world and how they operate. Faith might be a component of that series of ideas, but until those ideas are challenged that faith is only theoretical.
Real faith comes into play when God is not visible, when our series of ideas don’t make sense or can’t explain what is going on in life. Real faith is the person who still believes in his goodness even when terribly bad things happen to them; they lose their job, lose a loved one, or are abused by another person. Real faith is the pastor who keeps leading the church that God has called him to when it doesn’t grow and people never seem to “get it,” when lots of other pastors’ churches are vibrant and growing. Real faith is sometimes making decisions based on what God is saying that don’t make financial or logical sense. (Abraham actually raising his arm to kill his ONLY son, when God has promised him a long line of descendants through that son)
For me, faith has been trusting that God has a plan for me. And that it is for good. (Jeremiah 29) Even when it seems like my life is sometimes just a series of disconnected random events. Multiple career paths that all seem to fizzle out in dead ends. Seemingly “wise” decisions that end up disastrous. Passions and desires that I believe are from him that never seem to be fulfilled.
The sad part about all of this is that I have realized how weak my faith really is. Instead of trusting him and living in the confidence and security of that, I have become self-centered and whiny, grasping at straws trying to fix and control the course of my life. How futile is that? What ability to I have to control anything? Instead of trusting and bringing glory to him I have made it all about me. God, please forgive me for thinking that this life is all about me. Help my weak faith to grow strong.
