Valentine’s Day – A Single Perspective

As a single person, Valentine’s day is second only to the holiday season for making me feel lonely, unhappy, and somehow “less” as a person. This song by one of my favorite groups, Eddie From Ohio expresses it well. You can listen to it here (recommended) or just read the lyrics here. Either way, make sure you listen or read all the way to the end.

Funny song… and pretty much how I feel sometimes. It is often easy to think about and long for the positive things that a relationship provides that we do not have; the companionship, affection, affirmation, or even potential for a family. But for some reason we never seem consider the negatives or challenges that we are also presently free from such as divided time and priorities and relational conflict. Some of the most most intense pain in the entire human experience comes from relational conflict.

Instead of only noticing all the seemingly great couples and relationships around us, we must also consider all of the bad relationships and hurting couples as well. (which are unfortunately maybe the majority) Maybe, just maybe, God is his infinite wisdom is not withholding blessings from us or just making us wait for the heck of it. I know that people like to throw around the phrase “God is preparing you,” but maybe there is another possibility. Maybe he is protecting us from the unimaginable pain and difficulty that wrong relationships bring.

When we are right with God and ourselves and when he brings the right person along, of course all of the positives outweigh the negatives and challenges. But until that point, I would like to suggest that they do not even have the potential to do so. So waiting and trusting God is not only what we are “supposed to do,” it is the best possible thing we can do.

So on Valentines Day, like many other days I am reminded of my singleness and my loneliness. And that is not fun. But at the same time, somehow I am strangely encouraged knowing that God wants to bless me with far more than what my shallow and shortsighted ideas of relationship can even contain.

New York Surprise

When I was in New York a couple of weeks ago, I found out something very surprising to me. As I mentioned a few posts back, I love the place and would move there in a heartbeat if I had half a reason to. Because of that I am always interested in finding out what living in the city is really like. Whenever I visit or even talk to my friends who live there I ask them lots of questions about how life is going, what all they are into, etc. So in talking to several of my friends wile I was there, I was surprised to learn that they all seemed to struggle with meeting people that they really connect with and consequently lacked good, deep friendships.

What? Are you kidding me? New York is the most densely populated city in the country. There are cool people everywhere. How is it possible that young, socially adept people have a hard time connecting with others in a place like that?

And then it hit me. The factors that create those same issues for me here in Columbia, SC are mostly independent of population size. They are cultural rather than demographic in nature. In our culture there are no really great ways for people out of college to connect with each other. The bar scene is the most available option, but is not a good environment for building real relationships. Then there are gyms and recreational sports. These at least have the benefit of a common interest, but they are still not very good environments to meet and connect with new people. Even churches are not very successful at this. Though on paper they usually have lots of ways for people to “get connected,” many people who attend regularly seem to have a hard time doing so.

I am a networker by nature. I love to meet new people and do so fairly easily. But after living in Columbia for 2 1/2 years now, I still only hang out with the people that I knew before I moved here. I have met a handful of people here and there, but for some reason none of those relationships have really grown. I can’t even imagine how difficult it is for people who are less social or shy. So I keep on… knowing that there are others like me out there…. wishing I could connect with some of them… but not really knowing how. And it is the same no matter where you live.

The Cure For Loneliness

I mentioned this in a post about loneliness a few days back, but I wanted to elaborate on the actual cure part a little bit…

Everybody loves the TV show friends. It was one of the most popular and long-running shows in the past 20 years of television. But why? Well, of course it was funny. And it had a lot of good looking people on it. But more than that I think it resonated with a subconscious desire in all of us – to have a group of friends like that.

See, in college that kind of thing is fairly common. You are surrounded by people that are at the same place in life as you and you are all going through it together. You play jokes on each other, talk about relationships, take road trips and vacations together, and bail each other out of crazy situations. You have people to celebrate with, to laugh with, to cry with, just to be with.

But all that changes when you graduate into the so-called “real world.” You move to a new place, start a new job, and pretty soon you realize you don’t have those kinds of friends anymore. You might know a few people here and there, but the tv show scenario rarely exists. And for those of us who don’t get married soon after college, eventually loneliness sets in.

But there is a cure: Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, Joey, and Rachel. Ok, so it might be a bit hard to get them all to come over. Salary negotiations could get expensive. And watching the reruns on DVD probably just magnifies the loneliness. But the cure is in reach. It doesn’t take finding 20 new friends. It only takes a few. Maybe even just one. But there are a couple of key ingredients for those friendships; authenticity and availability. Without both of them, loneliness will not go away.

Authenticity is just being able to be yourself. It is Joey wearing maternity pants to allow him to eat more food at Thanksgiving, not worried what anyone will think of him. And in relationships it is a two-way street. You must be able to be yourself with someone and they must feel that freedom with you. I had coffee with a friend today that I rarely see or even talk to, yet we agreed that we feel pretty close because of the level of authenticity that we share.

Availability is just as important. It is Rachel being able to walk across the hall unannounced at any time and having someone there to share a story with. Practically speaking today, the phone, email, or even a text message is usually involved. But the point is that someone is reasonably available.

So if you are dealing with loneliness, begin to cultivate these things. Even if they start with a single friendship. Which brings me to another issue, difficulty meeting and connecting with people. More to come on that later….

Addition

Thanks to my friend Tracy, I have an addition to the “things single people want their friends/family to know” post. Check it out – number 6 is the new one.

Loneliness

Of the things I mentioned in the previous post, I think that the biggest issue by far that single people deal with is loneliness. Loneliness by itself is bad enough; the emotional feeling of being alone stinks. Knowing (or thinking) that no one truly cares about you or what is going on in your life is extremely discouraging. But the bigger problem with loneliness is that it affects other things as well. Many other issues either grow out of it or are magnified by it.

Any question, problem, or struggle in life, whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual is magnified when you have to deal with it alone. Even almost insignificant things that happen during our daily lives can be almost overwhelming with no one to help share the load. For example, a relatively minor thing like having a flat tire with someone else in the car or even someone at home to tell about it is not nearly as draining and discouraging as having one by yourself or not even having anyone to share the frustration with later. More significantly however, loneliness can lead to or magnify feelings of depression, self-doubt, low self-esteem, etc.

The only cure for loneliness is authentic, available relationships. Unfortunately these can be hard to come by in today’s fast-paced world. Once you are out of school, there is no concentrated place for social interaction. Meeting people at all can be very difficult, and when you do there is often very little time and energy left to build relationships. So most single people just continue to be lonely, pretend that they are not, and hope that “the one” will come along soon and rescue them. Which brings up another whole topic for another day….

My Short List

In response to my own question from 2 posts ago, here is my short list (with no elaboration) of things that single people deal with that are either unique to or more prevalent during that stage of life. They are in no particular order, and some of them even overlap a little. I plan on digging deeper into a few of them later, so feel free to add to the list…

• Loneliness
• Career/calling
• Difficulty meeting people
• Relating to friends who are now married
• Self esteem/ self image
• Trusting God
• Bitterness
• Addictions/ bad behavior patterns

Question For Singles

Wow – apparently that last post resonated with some people. Looks like we and the married people in our lives need to communicate a little better, huh?

So if most of us who are single agree that our actual marital status is not a core issue, then what are the core issues that we deal with? I have my thoughts, but I would love to hear yours. Seriously – as a single person, what are the main life issues you are dealing with? Problems, frustrations, questions, struggles, etc…I bet there are a few very common ones. Leave a comment (anonymously if you want to) and we can discuss them.

For The Record

As a “single” person, I get really annoyed by married people sometimes. Especially when they patronize or pity me because I am single, like it is an incurable disease that I have or something. So let me set the record straight:

1. God’s path for each of us is different. (I felt the need to state the obvious because people tend to forget it when it comes to this subject)

2. Married is not better than single. Both have their pluses and minuses. (just ask Paul)

3. Single people do not need your pity. They need your friendship.

4. Single people are not necessarily scared of commitment. In fact, people who get married are apparently not big on it either if you look at the statistics.

5. Marriage is not by definition supposed to come right after college. (unless you live in the south, apparently)

I probably could come up with a few more on this subject, but that’s all for now…..

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Added by others:

6. Just because you are single does not mean you are “too picky” or looking for a “perfect” person, just that you are willing to wait for the right person.